Sunday, February 28, 2010

Tired Eyes.

Heavy heavy shit lately. Strange when life seems a bit more like life should when you least expect it. When you're forced to slow down & take a look at the negative for a minute. I think that's the way it should be. As terrible as death and disease and change and anger and all of those other awful things are, it reminds me of so many other things. With the negative comes a lesson for the positive. With the bad comes the good, the up with the down, it's a constant yin & yang situation. Not because it's fair but because its the balance of life. We need to see the awful disgusting disparraging things in life to remind us how good so many other things are, to be grateful for lives lived & people we know & the way we do things. I've been thinking a lot about all of this lately, the past week almost. I've had friends with friends passing, a friend of mine, although not as close as some, still someone i highly respected and honestly loved to be around, & saw on a pretty regular basis, just go crazy. And i don't mean, did-something-stupid-so-i'm-going-to-call-him-crazy kind of crazy, i just mean honest to goodness, now he's in a mental ward crazy. And then on a bigger scale you have places like Haiti, and Chile, i mean all of these terrible upsetting things happening all over the world, but just recently having a horrible situation going on in my own life really just makes everything else feel so much closer to home.
They have a website right now, with a Person Finder, for victims of the earthquake in Chile. There are currently 31700 people being tracked. How would it be to have your entire life flipped upside down, and in this case taht phrasing is really pretty literal. Mothers looking for children, children looking for mothers, entire families completely destroyed. How do you deal with such a huge life changing event? How do you deal with a not as huge life changing event? You don't realize how much one person can affect you once they're gone, or once they're no longer available, or maybe just not even speaking to you anymore, whether for the bad or for the good. And when they're gone, they're gone and sometimes it's hard to even look back and remember. I do this all the time, with friends, with family members, not even with people, just the basic feeling of loss. And as much as you can look outside & see that everything's still beautiful, the world is still going on, your favorite songs are still the same, but there's a hole, there's something missing. And the more loss you deal with, the more sadness you feel and the more tragedy you deal with, the more the "something missing" really isn't something missing at all. It may be a sad part of you, it may be something you don't want to think about all the time, or dwell on, but it's a part of you all the same. It's still something that makes you stronger, that shows what you've gone through, what you're capable of dealing with, how you can still move forward and progress through so much anger or sadness or pessimism or whatever it is. You take it on as a part of you and that person or that thing that's gone or changed, will always be there. Because that tragic or sad or whatever situation that they went through, has affected someone else, and imprinted their memory onto you. Forever, i mean that shit doesn't go away, it's part of the story of your life that shapes you as a person. And they're never gone. So even though, when i hang out at my friend's house, and that person, if he never comes back and we always have that hole where he'll be missing, at least we'll have the hole. At least we'll have the good memory of how it used to be and how much fun we've all had, and the friends to remember him by and the people around who can think back and smile about what a great person he was. And if that's all you have left, well that's a pretty great thing to have. You can still get happiness from that person and the way they used to view the world, even if that's not how they view it anymore.
So i guess while it's good and humbling and necessary to look at the negative and let it sink in, it's only so you can sift through all the mud to find water. To find the positive in your negative. At least that's the way i'm going to look through this. That's the only way you can, this person whoever you've clearly loved or cared about enough to let yourself break down & feel real emotion over, they wouldn't want everyone to bum out on their loss, or who or what they've become, or how their house is destroyed or they no longer have a family, no one wants sympathy in the long run. It doesn't help, it hinders you really. To have someone just tell you how awful everything is and go over the details and wonder why with you, it will only bring you down more. And while i love being sad just as much as the next person (well maybe not, i don't know if other people enjoy being sad, i do though, it reminds me that with the lower the lows you get even higher highs & just reminds you that life is still life despite boring routine or feeling stuck, it's going to throw you something you were never ready for in the next round) it's never beneficial when extensive. You memorialize that person in the way you handle the tragedy, you move forward in their memory. You move forward for the memory of every person who has ever affected you and has been lost, you move forward for life, you move forward for the people who are going to affect you, who you are going to affect yourself, you move forward for the people who are going to see how you react and have it change them, and change their perspective. You just never know what chain reaction you're going to cause. You never know what the next turn is going to be, or what other event could possibly happen. I mean we're walking blindly down a mountain when you look at it, you can go slow and feel out around you and try to make you're way to your goal, but life involves risk, whether it be on a large or small scale, so when you stop crawling and grabbing around for where to go next, you have to start walking, and sometimes you don't end up at your goal, sometimes you just fall off. And you can't control it, when it comes to the big picture. All you can do is control how you deal with it. That's how i avoid they "how could this happen frame of mind." you just have to see how ELSE this situation can affect you. How can i help those even more affected than me? Without the sympathy, without the empathy. WIth logic, and with understanding, and truth and love and life.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Doctor Doctor!

All i can think about today, is all the things i want to do. I just have list after list going through my head. Maybe it's the feeling of being stuck in a rut? Or maybe it's the damn snow that just will not cease & desist. Pretty unfortunate. I don't even know, here's the list so far.
1. I want to learn to speak French : this one I really am going to do. I keep getting great ideas and then i just push them aside for some more normalcy and boring routine and then i get upset with the routine i have. i would be a whole lot cooler if i actually did half the things i said i was going to do.
2. I want to wear shorts. And i don't want to wear them just to wear them. I want to buy the perfect pair of shorts & wear them on a day with perfect weather & eat a snow cone & take a hell of a lot of pictures and be around people i care about. THAT is how i want to wear my shorts.
3. I want a computer. I want a macbook. I want my own macbook, purchased on my own and paid off and ready to use. I want to be able to have a place to upload my pictures & download music because i havent been able to in ooh lets say a year if not more. It's getting pretty old.
4. I want to go to Africa. This one i really NEED to do. It's not just a want, it's a life changing experience waiting for me to take advantage of. I think i have a pretty good understanding of the world & the problems people face, i mean i'm not as informed as i could be but i'm not completely ignorant either. If there are SO many different ways to help all of the people that honestly can't help themselves then why would you not do it. Why would you not take advantage of an opportunity to humble yourself and help others and improve someone's quality of life, even if it's just a little bit, i just don't understand why you wouldn't.
5. I want to get more tattoos. At least 4 more that i know of. Working on this one, strictly a money issue, well mostly. But oooooh how i dream of more tattoos (:
6. I want to move out again. I love my parents more than anyone but, i really can only stand living at home for so much longer. It's not that we don't get along, or that they're super strict about anything, i'm just going stir crazy and i need to regain my independence. It feels like it just flew out the window. Not fun my friends, not fun. I think it's just because im the youngest on my last run being in the house so they feel like they should treat me like i'm 15, which is not always bad, but not always good.
7. I want a puppy. I want a Husky. & I want it soon. A lizard is not the same as a dog, not at all, and though i love my little bearded baby Cartman, he's just not as fun and cuddly as i would have hoped. 
Okay i'm over this list now. I basically just feel like i'm complaining about what i don't have. Ah well, it's good to have a wishlist right? Right.

Also, i bought a hookah last night, and i'm not so sure it was the best purchase. Definitely should have paid off my credit union with that money. Goddamnit!! Why did no one talk me out of this?!? Thanks a lot everyone else for not fixing my mistakes before i make them! hahaha

Okay, i'm over it, going to the gym. Peace Bitches. xo

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I can' t believe the news today.

Good morning, good afternoon, good day.
I forgot how to log into my old blog  ( soo the time has come for me to create a new one. I was getting sick of the direction that one was headed anyway. I think i need to create more structure in my way of thinking. My mind is just a train with no track, it goes all over the place man, over the river and through the woods and in one ear and out the other. I just can't seem to keep my focus. Ah well, such is life! ahaha. But really i gotta work on that cause i feel in my adult life it could create some problems. Who knows, we shall see.
So uuuh, today really reaffirmed my deep fear of becoming middle aged. I was in line at the courts picking up a hearing cd for a client at the office and i hear a conversation behind me that goes a little something like this:
man: so what're you here for?
woman: oooh just blah blah (i didnt catch this part because i was too busy wondering who IN THE WORLD asks someone what they're there for at a Fourth District Court? I mean i would generally assume that's pretty personal business and most people don't want to discuss why they're at the court for legal issues....but HEY that's just me.)
man: just signing some papers, 15 more days and its all done with. (great way to jump right into the topic of your new divorce.)
woman: i wish i was that close to being done.
man: what more do you have left to do?
woman: i don't even know, i just wish i could see an end in sight.
man: yeah i felt like that at one point during mine, ended up taking six months.
woman: ha yeah, mine's been a year.
man: oh my gosh! why so long? do you have property or something?
woman: well it's mostly because of the kids.
man: oh yeah, i chose not to fight for custody with mine, it's just a lot easier this way.
woman: do you have kids?
man: one, she's (some age i don't remember, young though...irrelevant) i only see her on the weekends though since i work so much. she's a blast, i just appreciate the time i have with her.
woman: yeah...something else blah blah
Anyway i mean that was basically the conversation, they talked about the slow moving line, how he would "cower in fear" once his ex walked in, stupid polite conversation where he was clearly interested and she clearly was not. Anyway, he started asking how the dating scene was right as i was called up to take care of my cd aquiring tasks, which got me to think, "wow, the post divorce/middle aged dating scene is pathetic, and God help me if i ever end up in that situation i might just have to put an end to everything."
Now, i already have the mind-set that becoming middle-aged is like automatic depression, you can't stay out/up as late, physically, you just can't do half the things you used to, you get flabby, and gross, and you're slowly coming out of your prime more and more each day. It's just gross, you have to deal with children who get angry and hate you when they don't get their way, you're responsible for these monsters and the way they end up and how they effect society, your life is just responsibilities all day every day, i mean it never ENDS! never!! And yeah i could go through and think of a whole list of upsides i guess, but those vary from situation to situation and usually don't come around too often. Or simply put, i am a bit cynical when it comes to this buuut hey i still act like an eight year old boy & my favorite story was Peter Pan, so i don't know, what can you expect. ANYWAYS, the point is, on top of all of those awful things you're already going to have to deal with when you reach that terrible time in your life, to be thrown back into the dating scene is like pouring salt in all the wounds of a torture victim. Its THAT bad. It's cruel, and it's not fair, and it probably won't end in anything great. (Maybe it will, there's the cynicism again.) But come on, that's so awkward! Dating is already weird enough when you're doing it the first time around & you don't seem ancient to anyone still in grade school, but think of how that's gonna go on a first date where you discuss what you did when you were younger, how many kids do you have, & what do you do for a's just. not. my. cup. of. tea.
This is where i get ridiculous. As i re-read that last paragraph, i really just think of how bitter and angry and scared i sound. I mean you'd read that and think i'd come from a broken home with a tragic past, but no, not really. My parents are still together, my sister's happily married, my brother was another story but it wasn't surprising. It's PROBABLY from working at a law firm where over half of the cases are disgustingly messy divorces with the craziest people who just seem like they've lost their soul. And let me explain what i mean by that, i mean some of these cases are awful, the parents tell their children what to say, use them as bargaining chips, childrens lives are ruined & screwed up for uuhm i dont know, EVER and they're doing it all out of spite for some person that they at one point thought they were in love with. How do you lose that? Or how are you blind enough in the first place to not get to know someone enough and realize how crazy they are? It just sucks all the life out of you i've gotta assume, a divorce i mean. It's just bad vibes all around, you hate the situation that's going on with your life, you hate your ex, your fighting over/with your children, you have to worry about the previously mentioned embarrassing dating scene ahead of you, or the fact that you might now be alone forever, which is just horrible and you sit there and i've sure you've got to wonder, where did i go? i try to work past my cynism and look deeper into the issue i would just like to thank society as a whole for ruining the word marraige and turning it from something that used to so often be associated with joy and love and celebration & INSTEAD i associate it with depression, problem children, health problems, divorce, and anger. That's good, that's really good to know. 

aw my parents, precious. It is good to know that love does still exist. I guess i won't be too upset with the thought of getting old, as long as i'm not getting old alone. Not that i had given up on love before, it was more like i've given up on people in the world being in love. I feel like it's so unusual now. Get your act together people and start loving each other goddamnit! It's just ridiculous! Okay i don't know, my train of thought went to a different place than i thought it would discussing this so before i get too deeep and philosophical on my thoughts about love and growing old i will quit this. GOOD RIDDANCE! xo