Monday, May 17, 2010

Water Please.

Hypocrisy is the most obnoxious act. How are you supposed to learn to trust the people in your life if they can't even trust themselves enough to stick to their values and their words and their promises and be the person they claim to be? I am not excluded from this, i've had my fair share of indecisive moments where i go back and forth, but in terms of the things that matter, where the important people in my life are involved i strive to be honest and as far from a hypocrite as i can be. It's difficult of course, trying to deny your selfish nature as a person & be reliable and trustworthy so that those around you can count on you as a constant. Pleasing others is a part of who i want to be, selfishly as my own person. I want to be someone that people can count on at all times, counted on to be a nice person, counted on to be honest and fun and a good listener. A good friends and just a good person. I've realized the longer i'm alone the more myself i have become. It's not something that happens overnight & i'm not just saying that only someone who isn't in a relationship or always dating someone, isn't going to be able to find themselves either, you really might!  i have no idea, i haven't been important to someone else like that for years. I've just noticed that, when you are forced to be alone, you are forced to examine yourself. To really become YOU. Because who else do you have? So you have to love yourself, and you can't love yourself until you know who you are. The more you know who you are and only care about the good then the more people will notice that. The qualities you strive to obtain will start to show, once you stop trying to show them, once you ARE those qualities. I've really started to reevaluate the decisions i've made, or have been making, or am about to be making in my life. Are they really what i want? Are they overall good choices? Do they benefit me in the long term? Do i care about the long term? And for a while i didn't. I was all for living in the present, but the less my independence grows with this type of mindset the more frustrated i get. So as much as i love to live in the moment & for the now, i know it's going to take a hell of a lot of self control & discipline & i'm going to need to be patient. And as i write this, an opportunity jumped into my minds eye, through the form of a text message. A close friend has proposed the idea of moving to Manhattan. Another friends wants us to come along, since her boyfriend has just got into NYU & she's going to move out there to be with him. I really need to keep a very focused mindset as we plan for this move. I can't let the parties & the fun for right now, get in the way for the future ahead and the plans i could begin. Why would i continue to regress and stay in this rut when i have all the means and the opportunity once again right in front of my face. I would have to be the biggest idiot alive. My time to act like a reckless teenager have come to a close and with that realization i get to move forward. I get to start writing the next chapter, which will literally including writing chapters. My dreams, of Manhattan, of writing a book, of finding new people, they're all within my grasp, not just within my grasp but they're in my hand and i'm slowly getting ready to close my hand around them & keep them forever. What is life if not whatever i want it to be?

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