Friday, April 30, 2010

Here We Go Again!

Oh hello hello hello you beautiful world you!! Today I think I had the best morning I have ever had. And for no particular reason. As a matter of fact, it could have easily been an awful morning. Drank quite a bit last night at a friends house & didn't get home until about 3:30 in the morning. I woke up about 5 minutes before i was supposed to leave for work, still feeling the slightly out of your mind, things aren't quite right, i can feel the headache coming kind of hangover & got ready for work in record time. Got to work & the maj dropped me off  an Einsteins bagel & some Chai. & turned on some great music and got ready for the next 8 hours of work. Sounds like a pretty average almost bad morning yes? WRONG! So wrong. For some reason this morning all i could think about was how many people i love in my life & why. I think i told like 15 different people how much i love them and why. It was fantastic. It's my new outlook on life. Everyone needs to hear how much they're appreciated and i really feel that people don't do that enough. I'm going to make sure i let people know. And it's the best reward to hear so many friends i care about letting me know that i just made their morning. When you feel this happy all you want is for everyone else around you to feel it too. That's all i want. I want everyone to feel great & do great things & be the happiest they have ever been & to laugh & love & live great lives. That's all (: And really what more do you need than that? How could you not feel amazing when you see the people you love flourishing and doing amazing things! Loving others makes me complete. Now that i fully love myself and understand myself and have a good standing, i find that i really don't care about myself as much. I mean of course i care and i take care of myself & like i said, really love myself, but what i mean is other people matter so much more. It's all i can think about!! Ah it's just making everything so wonderful. That's really all i have to say right now. I hope your life is beautiful (:


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Shadow People

Today I've been thinking about a lot of great things. About how amazing the people i know are. How messed up and crazy and lost and hopeful and happy and funny and beautiful my friends are. Every single one of them. Also, the album Shame, Shame from Dr. Dog is one of the greatest albums i have had the pleasure to hear in my lifetime. It came around with perfect timing as well. Every song is so easy to connect with. My two favorites at this point are: 
Jackie Wants A Black Eye: 

Jackie wants a black eye
Some proof that she's been hit
John wants the answers
But the questions just don't quit.

And we're sitting in the rain
and we're feeling like the weather
you could say that we're alone
but we're lonely together.

And we're all in it together now.
As we all fall apart
And we're swapping little pieces
of our broken little hearts

Jackie's jumping in the quicksand
but it isn't what you think.
She's safe cause she knows
the more you fight the more you sink

And John is following the black cloud,
to keep him from the sun
So he bends over now, 
something's finally begun. 

And we're all in it together now, 
as we all fall apart. 
And we're swapping little pieces, 
of our broken little hearts. 

And we've been hurting so long, 
that our pleasure is our pain.
Are we madly in love, 
or are we madly insane?

Yesterday's love defines you, 
and today that love is gone.
Tomorrow keeps you guessing, 
the roller coaster is rolling on. 

And we're all in it together now, 
as we all fall apart. 
And we're swapping little pieces, 
of our broken little hearts.

And we're all in it together now, 
as we all fall apart.
And we're swapping little pieces, 
of our broken little hearts. 

& My other favorite on the album would have to be Shadow People, Subrina showed me this song yesterday in the absolute perfect setting, right after a cigarette, after dark, in the car, in the pouring rain: 

The rain is falling, it's after dark. 
The streets are swimming with the sharks.
It's the right night, for the wrong company. 
There ain' t nothin' round here to look at, 
move along, move along.

The neon lights on Baltimore
every shadow's getting famous.
In someone's backyard, plastic chair
Hoping these cigarettes will save us. 
Here we go again, here we go again. 

You got rings in your ears, 
And you got kicked around and made up. 
Lookin' high, lookin' low.

Where did all the shadow people go?
Where did all the shadow people go?
I wanna know, where the shadow people go. 

I stole a bike from the second mile. 
Saw a band play in the basement. 
I crossed the path of a friend of mine, 
and i know what that look upon her face meant.
Something's gone from her eye, 
something's gone wrong. 

You could be a woman, or you could be a man, 
wear the glove on the other hand. 
Or you could be twisted, or you could be insane
Pushing the envelope against the grain. 
Just playing along, just playing along. 

And i got something on my mind. 
And i got voices on the other line. 
Saying hi, saying Hello. 

Where did all the shadow people go?
Where did all the shadow people go?

Such beautiful songs. It's impressive to find a band who can continuously make such amazing music and write such meaningful lyrics. I don't know how people can stand listening to all the crap on Top 40 Radio. It's just awful compared to the music i enjoy daily. I really hear Shadow People as one of those songs that could honestly change your life if you listen to it with an open heart and just feel it. You don't just listen, you feel the music. Which reminds me, Spencer & Brandon played a show last night, "Night of Pan". It was hilarious because they were so stoney, but really a great show. I enjoy having talented friends. I just enjoy my friends period. As i've said before, they're some of the greatest people i've had the pleasure to meet. They're all so different, but so open-minded and similar in the funniest ways. No one is just like the other and the dynamic of everyone together always makes for the best times. I'm lucky to have found good people in my life, especially when i think back to who i used to hangout with and the people i chose to surround myself with once upon a time. 

I think it's funny that i write in this blog, because it's actually i guess just like a livejournal? Not that i write in a journal. But no one reads this, cause i don't really tell anyone about it. Now that i'm thinking about that it's almost like i'm talking to myself. Which reminds me of the time i ate mushrooms with Paige & Chris at our friend Bens house. My mind was going crazy in the confusing tangent based thought process that is your mind on shrooms, when all of a sudden i went off about "If you really think about it, thinking is just like talking to yourself. You're the only one that hears it and it's not like anyone's responding but you, so everytime we think to ourselves, all we're doing is talking to ourselves." Which is totally true, you just don't seem as crazy as you do when you say things to yourself out loud. Maybe i'll just start talking to myself since clearly we all already do it anyway!


Friday, April 16, 2010

My Body's A Zombie For YOUUUU!

Hmm, I haven't done one of these in years, but i think they're pretty fun to fill out. 
Survey SAAAAYS?!:

How do you feel about fire drills?: 

Do your socks usually match?: I rarely wear socks, but when i do they're always black. 

Would you date your best friend?: Maybe if she were a dude. But we're already FB married. 

Whats your favorite weather like?: Warm & sunny during the day so you can wake up & go to the pool & lay out, then mid afternoon starts to get overcast but still warrrrrm, then rainy rainy rainy at nighttime. Again, still warm. That's the perfect weather. 

How do you determine if a band is good or not? What do you look for most?: If they just appeal to me in general, the feelings it gives you, the lyrics in the song, the story behind the song, the band/musician themselves and what the represent and stand for. There are a lot of different elements that determine whether or not i like a band. 

Are you addicted to anything? if so, what?: I am probably addicted to these: ^^^^

Whats your favorite movie genre?: Horror & Comedy.

Have you ever had an inside joke based on a quote from a movie, book, etc?: 
"Oh maaah gaawd, yo a woman?!"
"Actually...I'ma horse."
"Oh maaah gaawd, yo a horse?!"
"Actually...I'ma broom."

What do you want to do as a future career?: Photojournalism. 

If you were pregnant right now what would you do? Who would be the father?:  uuhm, I'm Pro-choice. We'll leave it at that. 

Would you rather bake or cook a meal?: Meal. Bake = Sweets = Fat.

If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?: A new 2010 Land Rover SE

Whats going to be the first song at your wedding?: Home by Edward Sharpe

Whats something only you think is cute/funny?: I think anything to do with cats is hysterical. 

What do you find attractive in the opp sex?: 

Do you ever compare yourself to members of the same sex?: Everyday. 

Whats the perfect snack when you want to relax?: Special K. 

Would you rather have a few friends over & order in a pizza or go out?: Go out for Pizza&Beer and THEN have friends over. 

If you could change any situation in your life what would it be? job, house: Housing. I would like to have my own house. >>

Do you listen to music while you work/study?: I listen to music all day every day. 

Describe a person you wouldn't be able to live with?: Live WITH? I wouldn't be able to live with someone messy & smelly & disrespectful who had a million obnoxious people over all the time or looked down on partying. Cause that would just be a bust. 

Whats your favorite thing to do in your spare time?: Music, Chronic, Bike, Read, Music

If you could learn the subjects you wanted to what would they be?: French, Screen Printing, A lot of subjects...

Whats a weird food only you like to eat?: Potato Pancakes

If you could relive one memory what would it be?: I don't think i've lived it yet. 

What super power do you want most of all?: I would want to be Mystique. 

Is there a celebrity that you'd be willing to have a one night stand with?: ^^^ MMM. James Franco/Daniel Desario (:

Describe the perfect concert-lineup, arena, weather, w/e?: Lineup: The Strokes, Tokyo Police Club, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Led Zeppelin & The Beatles. At Radio City Music Hall in NYC. With not TOO big of a crowd, in the summer. I would probably kill myself after cause nothing could ever beat that ever. 

Do you like family restaurants or really fancy ones?: Just whatever, as long as the food's good, which it generally isn't. I don't like going out to eat much. 

Are you more of a city person or a country person? why?: City, i get bored easily & there are a lot more options when you're in the city. 

Do you want to live in your current town the rest of your life?: Not even the rest of the year. Please. 

Whats a negative thing about your town?: Close-minded religious oppression 

A positive?: It's absolutely beautiful 

Would your rather drown to death or burn to death?: I would rather drown, i like the water & i would rather deal with the pain of suffocating until i lose consciousness than asphyxiate or die of smoke inhalation. 

How many years longer are you hoping to live?: another 10 or 20 is fine. 

What song describes your typical mood? Or your current mood?: When they fight, they fight by The Generationals. Or Breakneck Speed by Tokyo Police Club. 

If you found out today your best friend was gay what would you do?: Well we're already married i wouldn't be surprised. PSYYYCHE. that would be weird. but it's her choice i s'pose. 

Describe the perfect kiss or date.: One that means more than all the others. 

Do you have a special material item you hold sentimental value to?: Baby blanket. 

Would you ever throw a dart at a map&go where it lands if you could afford: YES!! Who wouldn't?!

Where would you hope it lands?: Portland, India, London, New Zealand, Egypt, Spain, Tokyo, ANYWHERE!!!

Do you take care of yourself or do your parents help you out financially?: I plead the fifth. 

If you could get a pet for free today-what kind/what name?: ^^^ I don't know what i would name it but i want one ):

If you won 100million dollars what would you do with it first?: I would buy an oz of weed, a brand new fully paid off Land Rover, i would pick up Paige & then tell her pick anywhere in the world you want to shop & that's where we're going. 

How many people have you slept with?: Enough. 

Does true love wait?: Who knows?!

Whats a huge turn off?: Any guy who looks like this: >>>

Do you dig people with lots of body mods?: What does that mean?

If you could pick up on any instrument what would you choose?: Banjo, or the drums. 

Any Language? ^ same question as above.: French & Portuguese!!

If you had your own business, what would it be?: I would own my own Magazine. 

Do you ever wish you had a family business to become a part of?: Newp, no i do not. 

Whats the most gruesome way you could come up with to kill someone?: Slitting all their main arteries while hanging them up somewhere & letting them bleed to death. 

Do you think anyone deserves to die that way?: Besides Lady Gaga!?! jk! No, no one does that's shitty. 

If you had to fight for survival, what would your weapon of choice be?: A machete!

Omg! zombies are attacking. where do you go, who do you find, whatta ya do?: Get a camera, zombie movies are the best!

Whats the most annoying quality in a person?: Someone who takes themselves too seriously, with no sense of humor, ignorant, and texts too much. 

What cellphone is the best in your opinion?: The kind that works. 

Do you flip your pillow over to lay on the cool/cold side?: Nope, just switch pillows if i feel the need.


Thursday, April 8, 2010

Instant Lunch

 So today is a post with a lot to say for the first time in a little while. I had an interesting experience with my parents. I went out last night, started out as just a walk with Paige, going out since my car broke down on Monday and it was too nice to just sit inside after work. We ended up being picked up by a friend, and having a random Wednesday, mid-week fiesta and started drinking. No big deal seeing as i work at 11. Not super early, and good lord i'm only 19, i'm allowed to have some fun and just hang out. Gimme a break. Anyway, my mother spied on my Facebook page and saw that my status said "It's 8:45 and iiiii am drunk.". Apparently she didn't think that was too funny, commented on it as my sister (who later found out & was very confused) and then started her texting. Luckily my phone was dead until i got home, but here's a little taste of the things i get to read when my mother gets upset with me: 

"So if you're not in jail..text me so i know if you're coming home this i know if you need a ride..i'm not going to just hang out and wait for you if you're not coming home"

"It's so sad that you hate yourself so much that you feel the need to get drunk in the middle of the week."

"It's like you never have moved past being a junior in high school"

She then proceeded to tell me about how i have so many problems, and if you asked anyone outside of Utah Valley they would agree too, she then pulled the church card and said that she thinks everything i do is to spite the church. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Why would i put so much effort in trying to denounce a church i left years ago, for my own legitimate reasons, and have no interest talking or caring about it at all, and i don't even HATE it! I just don't care, i'm not a huge fan of organized religion but that's another topic for another day, but they're so upset about the fact that i left in the first place they keep trying to justify it for me and saying it's a phase and that i'm doing it trying to "rebel". First off, fuck you. Second off, if so, why have i been "rebelling" for the last 5 years? I started drinking and smoking weed when i was 15 and from the time i started partying until now, i've had the same basic party habits. Probably even crazier in high school, actually definitely crazier in high school. It's frustrating to hear these things from someone who thinks they know you, but really has no idea anything about you and the way you think and feel. I don't hang out with my mother, i respect her as a person and as a mother but a lot of the time i really dislike her, she doesn't think before you speaks, she just gets angry with me and then gets spiteful and immature. Just because i'm your child, doesn't give you the right to say whatever you want to me. I'm still a human being with feelings and you fuck with them all the time, ever since i was younger. I have a lot of complexes, mainly because of things my mom has said to me. Which is clear since i still remember them over the years. One time in high school, i cut my hair super short: 

And she flipped out, she told me that i looked like a lesbian and that no boy was going to like a girl who looked like another boy. And i have never had short hair since. It stuck with me, and even though i think short hair is adorable, i know if i ever cut it like that again that would always be in the back of my mind. I know that i shouldn't let it affect me like that, but i can't help it. In my mind a mother is supposed to be a lot of things, and IS a lot of things, so when someone with that much influence on my life says something so hurtful, how do you not remember it forever? She's my mom for god's sake.

Who thinks that that's the only way to handle an issue? I understand that she's a scared parent, i really do, but all this does is push me even further away and think less and less of her. There are other ways to deal with people besides belittling them and making them feel like shit to try and get your point across. There's at least some truth in everything that's said, that's why jokes are funny and statements like the ones above are hurtful, because you know the person means what they say, at least to some extent, or they wouldn't have said it at all. I don't think that i should have to take the high road with my own parents, that's your job as parents, to take the high road and be the bigger person and lead by example. I'm sorry my two older siblings are struggling addicts with terrible lives, but just because i've made similar lifestyle choices by drinking and smoking and having tried drugs earlier in my life, doesn't mean i have no chance at survival. How many people in this world drink alcohol or smoke weed? A fucking lot of them, that's how many. If my mother could see past someone's lifestyle choice and get to know the real me as a person she would know she has nothing to worry about. She would probably be proud of me. I shouldn't have to put up a fight and try to prove the fact that i'm a good person. I shouldn't have to prove that myself is good enough. That me, right now, with the knowledge i have under my belt and the friends i have and the opinions i stand strong in and have decided for myself, that i'm a good person. If i was a depressed self loathing alcoholic/addict, i don't think i would hear the phrase "You're the happiest person i've ever met." from someone. That probably wouldn't come across. So you know what, fuck you. I need to not associate mothers with so much that they're supposed to be, because the only think you can be sure of in this world is uncertainty. Other people are just that, other people, theyr'e selfish and they make mistakes and they get set in their ways and you can't always rely on them to be open minded and see your opinion, so even though you're a mom, you're still a person and that's where things get ridiculous. I'm really learning not to put people on a platform like that, because they're never all they're cracked up to be. And i feel more at "home" at my friends houses, drinking a beer or smoking a bowl and talking about life and our opinions and anything in the world. Why? Because my friends have become my family, because my family can't accept me as a person, and my choices. Whereas the people i choose to surround myself are some of the most hilarious, open-minded, genuinely kind and amazing people i've ever had the opportunity to meet in my entire life. And if i DID have a problem, which i definitely do not, they would pull me aside and tell me. Hell, they wouldn't even need to pull me aside, we're all close enough they could say it right there while hanging out and i wouldn't even be mad. I would hear them out, i would listen to what they have to say. But when you attack someone and say hurtful spiteful mean things, they shut down and they don't give a fuck what you have to say. They just want to prove you wrong and yell at you and tell you all the reasons you sound like the world's biggest idiot. 

So what now, now i get to wait around until my dad finally wants to talk to me today at work, to find out if i'm fired or not because they won't help me pay for being an addict, and then i get to go home and try and have a civil conversation with someone who will never understand and never change their mind. I better put up a good argument i guess. At least i'm calm though, at least i'm able to control my anger now with them to the point where i can actually make my case and they can see that i'm a normal functioning person. I have things to say and opinions to give and i know what i'm talking about and i've been through a lot and i am good enough. Good thing Sunday Morning by the Menzingers has been on repeat for the last 3 hours keeping me calm. It truly amazes me how big of a difference music can make in these sorts of situations. I see this whole situation as a blessing though. I hate keeping things from people, it's just an icky feeling. I don't like secrecy, i like being honest and open. I pride myself in saying what i think and feel at the appropriate times. But when you have parents holding a job and a car over your head unless you do exactly what they say, you either do what they say, or you stay true to yourself and lie. So, as ridiculous as that sounds, that was the choice. I'm not going to conform to their lifestyle just because they're holding material items over my head. Yes, i need a car, but not everyone has one and now that it's broken down that's one less thing to worry about and if i really want to get somewhere i will walk, it's not a big deal. And yeah it would be really hard to find a job somewhere else and i have it really good here, but if they choose to fire me there's nothing i can do and i'll have to just move forward and find a new one. Another release from the trife life of codependency. Also, i'm proud of myself at the way i've been dealing with the situation. I've grown up a lot in the last year and if this had happened last year i would have lashed out and had no reasons to back up anything i said, but now i can just stay focused and chill out and explain why i do the things that i do and how i can still be an active productive member of society and still live the lifestyle that i do and be a genuinely happy person. I don't know, i don't ever want to have children. 


Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Rest In Peace little bubbler.

It was only around for a short time, about two or three weeks. Such a bummer, i just put it on the table this morning at Steve's and the bottom broke out. At least there was no water in there, & that was probably why it was only 25 dollars. That makes sense. Oh well, it was loved. At least we have bob & the steamroller so i have a backup piece. Thanks Paige!

Also, last night was super hilarious, party on a Monday night. My friends are just radical. Pictures (not from last night, just awesome pictures) to prove it:


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Breakneck Speed

First off let me say that the new single from Tokyo Police Club's newest album Champ (which unfortunately i have to wait to download until June 8th) is FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC. Just great. It just makes me even happier that they're one of my favorite bands, they will never disappoint. I don't think that i could ever be in a bad mood while listening to that band.

Gotta love 'em. Thanks Canada for sending some great music my way. 

This post is mostly just to take up time before i leave work. There's not really a whole lot i can get accomplished here in ten minutes. Well, i probably could i just choose not too. I'm a slacker what can i say? Also, I'm about to go off and donate plasma as i always do on Tuesday & Thursdays and in order to complete my donation in record time, i've been drinking a shit load of water all day long. I think i'm up to about 28 ounces. So, hopefully i can reach my goal & be out of there as fast as possible. 

Lately i've been appreciating all the great things in my life. All the great people, finally having an awesome group of friends with no drama finally realizing who i am and where i stand and how much i really legitimately like myself. It's amazing. The greatest feeling i've ever had. I got upset at a situation the other day & as i later told Subrina i had to actually TRY and make myself upset. I haven't had a bad mood that lasted more than an hour in the longest time. How great? How great to have such a happy mentality in your life that even when you are actually upset you have to try and force yourself to stay that way. I have an unfailing ability to see the positive in the shitty situations in my life and i'm finally realizing what an amazing gift that is. I'm just so happy.