I forgot how to log into my old blog (http://www.courto471.blogspot.com/) soo the time has come for me to create a new one. I was getting sick of the direction that one was headed anyway. I think i need to create more structure in my way of thinking. My mind is just a train with no track, it goes all over the place man, over the river and through the woods and in one ear and out the other. I just can't seem to keep my focus. Ah well, such is life! ahaha. But really i gotta work on that cause i feel in my adult life it could create some problems. Who knows, we shall see.
So uuuh, today really reaffirmed my deep fear of becoming middle aged. I was in line at the courts picking up a hearing cd for a client at the office and i hear a conversation behind me that goes a little something like this:
man: so what're you here for?
woman: oooh just blah blah (i didnt catch this part because i was too busy wondering who IN THE WORLD asks someone what they're there for at a Fourth District Court? I mean i would generally assume that's pretty personal business and most people don't want to discuss why they're at the court for legal issues....but HEY that's just me.)
man: just signing some papers, 15 more days and its all done with. (great way to jump right into the topic of your new divorce.)
woman: i wish i was that close to being done.
man: what more do you have left to do?
woman: i don't even know, i just wish i could see an end in sight.
man: yeah i felt like that at one point during mine, ended up taking six months.
woman: ha yeah, mine's been a year.
man: oh my gosh! why so long? do you have property or something?
woman: well it's mostly because of the kids.
man: oh yeah, i chose not to fight for custody with mine, it's just a lot easier this way.
woman: do you have kids?
man: one, she's (some age i don't remember, young though...irrelevant) i only see her on the weekends though since i work so much. she's a blast, i just appreciate the time i have with her.
woman: yeah...something else blah blah
Anyway i mean that was basically the conversation, they talked about the slow moving line, how he would "cower in fear" once his ex walked in, stupid polite conversation where he was clearly interested and she clearly was not. Anyway, he started asking how the dating scene was right as i was called up to take care of my cd aquiring tasks, which got me to think, "wow, the post divorce/middle aged dating scene is pathetic, and God help me if i ever end up in that situation i might just have to put an end to everything."
Now, i already have the mind-set that becoming middle-aged is like automatic depression, you can't stay out/up as late, physically, you just can't do half the things you used to, you get flabby, and gross, and you're slowly coming out of your prime more and more each day. It's just gross, you have to deal with children who get angry and hate you when they don't get their way, you're responsible for these monsters and the way they end up and how they effect society, your life is just responsibilities all day every day, i mean it never ENDS! never!! And yeah i could go through and think of a whole list of upsides i guess, but those vary from situation to situation and usually don't come around too often. Or simply put, i am a bit cynical when it comes to this buuut hey i still act like an eight year old boy & my favorite story was Peter Pan, so i don't know, what can you expect. ANYWAYS, the point is, on top of all of those awful things you're already going to have to deal with when you reach that terrible time in your life, to be thrown back into the dating scene is like pouring salt in all the wounds of a torture victim. Its THAT bad. It's cruel, and it's not fair, and it probably won't end in anything great. (Maybe it will, there's the cynicism again.) But come on, that's so awkward! Dating is already weird enough when you're doing it the first time around & you don't seem ancient to anyone still in grade school, but think of how that's gonna go on a first date where you discuss what you did when you were younger, how many kids do you have, & what do you do for a living....it's just. not. my. cup. of. tea.
This is where i get ridiculous. As i re-read that last paragraph, i really just think of how bitter and angry and scared i sound. I mean you'd read that and think i'd come from a broken home with a tragic past, but no, not really. My parents are still together, my sister's happily married, my brother was another story but it wasn't surprising. It's PROBABLY from working at a law firm where over half of the cases are disgustingly messy divorces with the craziest people who just seem like they've lost their soul. And let me explain what i mean by that, i mean some of these cases are awful, the parents tell their children what to say, use them as bargaining chips, childrens lives are ruined & screwed up for uuhm i dont know, EVER and they're doing it all out of spite for some person that they at one point thought they were in love with. How do you lose that? Or how are you blind enough in the first place to not get to know someone enough and realize how crazy they are? It just sucks all the life out of you i've gotta assume, a divorce i mean. It's just bad vibes all around, you hate the situation that's going on with your life, you hate your ex, your fighting over/with your children, you have to worry about the previously mentioned embarrassing dating scene ahead of you, or the fact that you might now be alone forever, which is just horrible and you sit there and i've sure you've got to wonder, where did i go? So...as i try to work past my cynism and look deeper into the issue i would just like to thank society as a whole for ruining the word marraige and turning it from something that used to so often be associated with joy and love and celebration & INSTEAD i associate it with depression, problem children, health problems, divorce, and anger. That's good, that's really good to know.
aw my parents, precious. It is good to know that love does still exist. I guess i won't be too upset with the thought of getting old, as long as i'm not getting old alone. Not that i had given up on love before, it was more like i've given up on people in the world being in love. I feel like it's so unusual now. Get your act together people and start loving each other goddamnit! It's just ridiculous! Okay i don't know, my train of thought went to a different place than i thought it would discussing this so before i get too deeep and philosophical on my thoughts about love and growing old i will quit this. GOOD RIDDANCE! xo