Thursday, April 8, 2010

Instant Lunch

 So today is a post with a lot to say for the first time in a little while. I had an interesting experience with my parents. I went out last night, started out as just a walk with Paige, going out since my car broke down on Monday and it was too nice to just sit inside after work. We ended up being picked up by a friend, and having a random Wednesday, mid-week fiesta and started drinking. No big deal seeing as i work at 11. Not super early, and good lord i'm only 19, i'm allowed to have some fun and just hang out. Gimme a break. Anyway, my mother spied on my Facebook page and saw that my status said "It's 8:45 and iiiii am drunk.". Apparently she didn't think that was too funny, commented on it as my sister (who later found out & was very confused) and then started her texting. Luckily my phone was dead until i got home, but here's a little taste of the things i get to read when my mother gets upset with me: 

"So if you're not in jail..text me so i know if you're coming home this i know if you need a ride..i'm not going to just hang out and wait for you if you're not coming home"

"It's so sad that you hate yourself so much that you feel the need to get drunk in the middle of the week."

"It's like you never have moved past being a junior in high school"

She then proceeded to tell me about how i have so many problems, and if you asked anyone outside of Utah Valley they would agree too, she then pulled the church card and said that she thinks everything i do is to spite the church. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Why would i put so much effort in trying to denounce a church i left years ago, for my own legitimate reasons, and have no interest talking or caring about it at all, and i don't even HATE it! I just don't care, i'm not a huge fan of organized religion but that's another topic for another day, but they're so upset about the fact that i left in the first place they keep trying to justify it for me and saying it's a phase and that i'm doing it trying to "rebel". First off, fuck you. Second off, if so, why have i been "rebelling" for the last 5 years? I started drinking and smoking weed when i was 15 and from the time i started partying until now, i've had the same basic party habits. Probably even crazier in high school, actually definitely crazier in high school. It's frustrating to hear these things from someone who thinks they know you, but really has no idea anything about you and the way you think and feel. I don't hang out with my mother, i respect her as a person and as a mother but a lot of the time i really dislike her, she doesn't think before you speaks, she just gets angry with me and then gets spiteful and immature. Just because i'm your child, doesn't give you the right to say whatever you want to me. I'm still a human being with feelings and you fuck with them all the time, ever since i was younger. I have a lot of complexes, mainly because of things my mom has said to me. Which is clear since i still remember them over the years. One time in high school, i cut my hair super short: 

And she flipped out, she told me that i looked like a lesbian and that no boy was going to like a girl who looked like another boy. And i have never had short hair since. It stuck with me, and even though i think short hair is adorable, i know if i ever cut it like that again that would always be in the back of my mind. I know that i shouldn't let it affect me like that, but i can't help it. In my mind a mother is supposed to be a lot of things, and IS a lot of things, so when someone with that much influence on my life says something so hurtful, how do you not remember it forever? She's my mom for god's sake.

Who thinks that that's the only way to handle an issue? I understand that she's a scared parent, i really do, but all this does is push me even further away and think less and less of her. There are other ways to deal with people besides belittling them and making them feel like shit to try and get your point across. There's at least some truth in everything that's said, that's why jokes are funny and statements like the ones above are hurtful, because you know the person means what they say, at least to some extent, or they wouldn't have said it at all. I don't think that i should have to take the high road with my own parents, that's your job as parents, to take the high road and be the bigger person and lead by example. I'm sorry my two older siblings are struggling addicts with terrible lives, but just because i've made similar lifestyle choices by drinking and smoking and having tried drugs earlier in my life, doesn't mean i have no chance at survival. How many people in this world drink alcohol or smoke weed? A fucking lot of them, that's how many. If my mother could see past someone's lifestyle choice and get to know the real me as a person she would know she has nothing to worry about. She would probably be proud of me. I shouldn't have to put up a fight and try to prove the fact that i'm a good person. I shouldn't have to prove that myself is good enough. That me, right now, with the knowledge i have under my belt and the friends i have and the opinions i stand strong in and have decided for myself, that i'm a good person. If i was a depressed self loathing alcoholic/addict, i don't think i would hear the phrase "You're the happiest person i've ever met." from someone. That probably wouldn't come across. So you know what, fuck you. I need to not associate mothers with so much that they're supposed to be, because the only think you can be sure of in this world is uncertainty. Other people are just that, other people, theyr'e selfish and they make mistakes and they get set in their ways and you can't always rely on them to be open minded and see your opinion, so even though you're a mom, you're still a person and that's where things get ridiculous. I'm really learning not to put people on a platform like that, because they're never all they're cracked up to be. And i feel more at "home" at my friends houses, drinking a beer or smoking a bowl and talking about life and our opinions and anything in the world. Why? Because my friends have become my family, because my family can't accept me as a person, and my choices. Whereas the people i choose to surround myself are some of the most hilarious, open-minded, genuinely kind and amazing people i've ever had the opportunity to meet in my entire life. And if i DID have a problem, which i definitely do not, they would pull me aside and tell me. Hell, they wouldn't even need to pull me aside, we're all close enough they could say it right there while hanging out and i wouldn't even be mad. I would hear them out, i would listen to what they have to say. But when you attack someone and say hurtful spiteful mean things, they shut down and they don't give a fuck what you have to say. They just want to prove you wrong and yell at you and tell you all the reasons you sound like the world's biggest idiot. 

So what now, now i get to wait around until my dad finally wants to talk to me today at work, to find out if i'm fired or not because they won't help me pay for being an addict, and then i get to go home and try and have a civil conversation with someone who will never understand and never change their mind. I better put up a good argument i guess. At least i'm calm though, at least i'm able to control my anger now with them to the point where i can actually make my case and they can see that i'm a normal functioning person. I have things to say and opinions to give and i know what i'm talking about and i've been through a lot and i am good enough. Good thing Sunday Morning by the Menzingers has been on repeat for the last 3 hours keeping me calm. It truly amazes me how big of a difference music can make in these sorts of situations. I see this whole situation as a blessing though. I hate keeping things from people, it's just an icky feeling. I don't like secrecy, i like being honest and open. I pride myself in saying what i think and feel at the appropriate times. But when you have parents holding a job and a car over your head unless you do exactly what they say, you either do what they say, or you stay true to yourself and lie. So, as ridiculous as that sounds, that was the choice. I'm not going to conform to their lifestyle just because they're holding material items over my head. Yes, i need a car, but not everyone has one and now that it's broken down that's one less thing to worry about and if i really want to get somewhere i will walk, it's not a big deal. And yeah it would be really hard to find a job somewhere else and i have it really good here, but if they choose to fire me there's nothing i can do and i'll have to just move forward and find a new one. Another release from the trife life of codependency. Also, i'm proud of myself at the way i've been dealing with the situation. I've grown up a lot in the last year and if this had happened last year i would have lashed out and had no reasons to back up anything i said, but now i can just stay focused and chill out and explain why i do the things that i do and how i can still be an active productive member of society and still live the lifestyle that i do and be a genuinely happy person. I don't know, i don't ever want to have children. 


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